Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truely loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. ...Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love.
The Road Less Traveled is a nonfiction book written by M. Scott Peck. Released in 1978, it serves as an examination of Peck's viewpoints on psychiatry and psychology.
Publisher's summary[]
Confronting and solving problems is a painful process which most of us attempt to avoid. Avoiding resolution results in greater pain and an inability to grow both mentally and spiritually. Drawing heavily on his own professional experience, Dr M. Scott Peck, a psychiatrist, suggests ways in which facing our difficulties - and suffering through the changes - can enable us to reach a higher level of self-understanding. He discusses the nature of loving relationships: how to distinguish dependency from love; how to become one's own person and how to be a more sensitive parent. This is a book that can show you how to embrace reality and yet achieve serenity and a richer existence. Hugely influential, it has now sold over six million copies - and has changed many people's lives round the globe. It may change yours.
Summary of ideas[]
Section I: Discipline[]
Problems and Pain[]
According to the author, pain is a part of every life and the problems within it. While some people are able to come to terms with this, most avoid this pain in some way. Unfortunately, this is the root of neuroses (according to the author) and this neurosis usually becomes worse than the pain it is trying to avoid. Despite this, the author says that most (if not all) people through delaying of gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth, and balancing.
Delaying Gratification[]
The delaying of gratification is an important part of life which is usually introduced early in childhood. In some cases, though, people do not learn this skill in their youth and that this is a grave failing that can be fixed through psychotherapy.
The Sins of the Father[]
While some parents actively abuse their children with violent "disciplines", other parents emotionally neglect their children. While the latter abuse was somewhat common in Peck's day, Peck believes that both of these similarly lead to unbalanced children.
Problem-Solving and Time[]
According to Peck, a major part in actually solving problems is sitting down and taking out the time to think out the problem and its particulars. Despite this, many people rush into problems and immediately dip out after trying and failing to solve the problem.
Responsibility[]
According to the author, we cannot solve life's problems without actually solving this. This requires a sense of responsibility about these problems, the ability to see that these problems belong to you. Despite this, some people refuse to see that their problems belong to them and instead blame them on other people or even the world around them in general.
Neuroses and Character Disorders[]
According to the author, there are two major forms of mental disorder that affect numerous people throughout the world. These are the neurotics (who blame the problems of the world on themselves) and the character disordered (who blame their own problems on the world around them). While these problems seem to be completely separate, the author claims that people can have traits of both simultaneously. Though both cause their own problems, character disordered people make terrible parents - as they are likely to neglect their children.
Escape from Freedom[]
According to the author, most people want some degree of severance from their freedom to solve their own problems - seeking for others to solve their problems. While this can be individuals, people also seek this "escape from freedom" from governments - which is a major force fueling totalitarian states. Along with this, people can find excuses for their problems from governments instead of actually solving them.
Dedication to Reality[]
Somewhat early in life, most people are able to make a sort of map of the world around them and how it works. While some people are able to shift this map around to suit the changing world, others refuse to change this and declare any new information wrong - with this defense of an "outmoded" view of the world usually being more costly than actually changing the map.
Transference: The Outdated Map[]
Peck's view of transference is that it is when traits which help someone when they are younger continue to be used by that person even when they actively harm their own life - such as someone who refuses to believe that anyone is trustworthy when their parents constantly let them down continuing to believe in this to their detriment. While fixing this map would help them in the long run, in the short term they refuse to change because to do so would hurt them.
Openness to Challenge[]
While it is seemingly not a natural part of the human psyche, the author believes that all humans (and all organizations) should strive to actually listen to criticism and change due to it instead of just closing their ears and giving excuses/reasons not to listen to it. It is this openness to challenge and the change that comes from it that is a vital part of psychotherapy, according to the author, and is the main goal of the therapist.
Withholding Truth[]
According to the author, there are two kinds of lies - black lies and white lies. While black lies are statements we know are false, white lies are statements which purposefully leave out certain facts. Though white lies can in some instances be beneficial and can be vital in some jobs, they are usually (in the author's eyes) harmful. Peck stresses on the reader that they should strive to speak the truth whenever lying is not necessary.
Balancing[]
According to Peck, a very important part of being a well-adjusted adult is emotional balance, carefully controlling these emotions so they do not ruin your relationships with others. While some people figure out the correct balance of emotions, others avoid this because of the pain required in changing this balance - much to their own detriment.
The Healthiness of Depression[]
According to Peck, depression is a completely normal response to change in life and mental/spiritual growth. This depression becomes unhealthy when the process of change and acceptance of loss is interrupted - and this interruption is something the patient can be almost completely unaware of. As such, an important part of psychotherapy is helping the patient resume the process of letting go parts of their character naturally.
Renunciation and Rebirth[]
While death is usually considered something to be avoided in life, Peck says that metaphorical/spiritual death is something that more people should strive towards. This involves completely giving up the self - something that most people do very slowly and in very small increments - and people can go through multiple spiritual deaths and rebirths throughout their lives. Despite this, they can never fully be rid of emotional pain - and indeed, Peck advises those who do not want spiritual pain to avoid spiritual evolution. Along with this, people must lose some part of themselves during spiritual evolution - as this loss is a major part of the discipline that fosters sainthood.
Part II: Love[]
Love Defined[]
According to the author, the major driving force of discipline is love - which something that, as of now, lacks a proper definition. Peck very briefly makes a sketch of what love might before explaining that he will explain what love isn't in the following sections.
Falling in "Love"[]
While a common definition of love is that it is something that can be fallen into, the author claims that this state is not true love. He first explains the process that toddlers go through as they slowly learn that the world is not entirely comprised of them and learn that they are not the omnipotent master of the universe. He then compares falling in love to the period between these two learning experiences - as people in love think of themselves as one entity instead of love, and then says that this will eventually end - and that it will either cause the end of the relationship or the "love" shared by the couple to become true love.
The Myth of Romantic Love[]
According to the author, a common myth of love is that people can be destined for each other and that it is through this that they will find true happiness. This leads people to enter into marriages that they might not be fit for, believing that they have found true love, and will usually fall out of love and be forced to go through a lengthy divorce. Indeed, in a footnote, the author says that most open marriages are unhealthy and promotes Nena and George O'Neill's book Open Marriage.
More About Ego Boundaries[]
While the author is dismissive of falling in love, he does believe that it is somewhat close to real love - as both involve the extension of ego boundaries. In a process called cathexis, the lover starts to deeply care with the object of their affection - which can be a person, an object, or even an action. During cathexis, the ego boundaries and the self extend outwards. This can happen through many different methods, including through climax (though this is a very brief experience of cathexis). It is through cathexis that one can become more aware of the oneness of the universe, but this requires ego boundaries that have been hardened and long term cathexis for this enlightenment to actually work.
Dependency[]
During his time as a psychiatrist, the author encountered many people who said that they would kill themselves if they were not with their beloved. While these people might seem to an outsider that they were desperate due to their love, in actuality they are simply dependent on the person that they have fallen in love with. According to the author, they are suffering from something called passive dependent personality disorder. This disorder makes the sufferer constantly seek love and, even after they find a partner, they are not sated. It can also make them extremely clingy and controlling towards their partner.
Cathexis Without Love[]
Though cathexis is usually thought of as something between two people, it usually forms between a person and an object or action that they enjoy. In these cases, the cathexis is not formed out of love at all (or at least, is not fostered in love) and does not add to the spiritual enrichment of the person - thus people who love money for its own sake are almost always miserable and spiritually small people. Along with this is "pet love" - which is not fostered in the well-being of the animal or person involved and is largely fostered in controlling the other party.
"Self-Sacrifice"[]
Along with those who constantly seek love from their partners, there are those who constantly seek to sacrifice themselves for their partners. While this might seem noble, in actuality it is part of a sort of social masochism in which the person afflicted does not truly care about the well-being of the other person at best or, at worst, will leave and return to obviously abusive people only to have a sense of moral superiority - which is fostered largely due to humiliated and mistreated as children.
Love is Not a Feeling[]
According to the author, love is not simply a feeling but a conscious action. Instead of being a simple impulse (such as cathexis) that comes randomly, it something that has to be thought out and has to be voluntary. This is shown in a constructive marriage, in which the people within it act for each other and for themselves, instead of just thinking for each other or for themselves.
The Work of Attention[]
Having discussed what love isn't, the author discusses what love is. The author begins this by discussing attention. According to him, actually listening to people talking in a proper way requires a great effort. To explain this, the author starts by explaining how parents should listen to their young children - selectively, not completely ignoring them but not constantly listening. Along with this, he discusses how most married couples do not truly listen to each other and how therapy can help with this.
The Risk of Loss[]
While loving someone might put you at risk of losing that person - either due to a breakup or due to their death - the author says that this is a necessary risk, as trying to completely avoid this risk will lead you to becoming a shut-in who is absolutely unable to connect to anyone else.
The Risk of Independence[]
One of the main risks that people face in their lives is the risks that independence entail. While most people (such as the author) face them in their teenage years as they become adults, others face them later in life. Either way, the author says that these risks are important as life is extremely shallow without them.
The Risk of Commitment[]
The next risk that the author discusses is the risk to commit. This risk can be caused by a parental failure to commit and makes people hesitant to even start relationships for fear that these relationships will end. This can even effect therapy - though it usually does not completely ruin the therapeutic process if the therapist is competent. Indeed, according to the author, therapists can feel a fear of commitment towards long-term clients.
The Risk of Confrontation[]
The final risk is the risk of confrontation, or rather properly confronting people. While most people are extremely willing to criticize others, this is usually not an act of love as it is used to show intellectual or moral superiority over the other person. Along with this, those who completely shy away from confronting others when they are doing wrong are not showing love but showing cowardice - as truly loving confrontation is an important part of spiritual growth. As such, those who love each other must confront and criticize each other in ways that actually think of the other person.
Love is Disciplined[]
According to the author, true love is not something of wild emotions but something of carefully controlled emotions. Indeed, the author says that it is through the careful control of emotions - not letting them run rampant but also not shutting them up completely to emerge in a firestorm - that one should strive to live by. Along with this, the author discusses how some people can have enough love for their entire family and people outside of it, something that is very rarely found according to the author.
Love is Separateness[]
According to the author, those who are narcissistic do not truly view others as being people with their own emotions. As such, they frequently misinterpret situations due to their belief that everyone feels the same as them. Along with this, those in truly loving relationships view their partner as someone with their own desires and emotions instead of simply someone who fulfills a function - as many people in marriages viewed their spouses in Peck's day.
Love and Psychotherapy[]
In this chapter, the author discusses how therapists should act. According to him, they should feel some connection to their patients which he describes as loving. While some might see this as the author telling other therapists to "sleep" with their patients, he is completely against this - as he believes that it would worsen the process of therapy instead of improving it. Along with this, the author says that therapists should want to help their friends and family improve psychotherapeutically but also says that not all can spend all of their day in doing this.
The Mystery of Love[]
To cap off his examination of love, the author introduces the remaining mysteries of it. While doing so, he reveals that he believes that their solutions are religious in nature - and that he will discuss this in the following parts of the book.
Section III: Growth and Religion[]
to be added
See also[]
| Title | Author | Release date | Significance |
|---|---|---|---|
| Man's Search for Meaning | Viktor Frankl | 1946 | A similar introduction to the author's psychological beliefs |
| Introduction to Psychoanalysis | Sigmund Freud | 1916-17 | A similar introduction to the author's psychological beliefs |
| The Teachings of Don Juan | Carlos Castaneda | 1968 | A book by a similar author cited in this book |
| Escape from Freedom | Erich Fromm | 1941 | A book by a similar author cited in this book |
| The Practice and Theory of Individual Psychology | Alfred Adler | 1924 | A similar introduction to the author's psychological beliefs |
| Modern Man in Search of a Soul | Carl Jung | 1933 | A similar introduction to the author's psychological beliefs |
Sources[]
- Goodreads
- Wikipedia